Being the Default Parent (and Why It’s So Exhausting)
If you’re reading this, chances are you know exactly what “default parent” means — because you are one. You’re the one who gets the phone call from school when the kid is sick. The one who knows which stuffed animal absolutely must be in bed at night or all hell breaks loose. The one who remembers when the dentist appointments are, who actually notices the milk is running low, and who knows the difference between the “blue cup” and the “other blue cup.”
Sound familiar? Yeah. That’s default parent life.
What it really means
Being the default parent doesn’t just mean doing more of the parenting tasks — it means carrying the mental load that no one else sees. You’re the one anticipating needs before they’re even spoken. You’re spinning invisible plates all day long, and it’s no wonder you feel like you’re running on fumes.
Meanwhile, the non-default parent (bless them) might swoop in with a “Why don’t you just take a nap?” or “Let me know what needs to be done,” which somehow makes you want to laugh, cry, and scream all at the same time.
Why it’s so draining
Because it’s not just about doing the things — it’s about holding the responsibility for the things. You’re the project manager of the family, the keeper of schedules, the finder of missing VIP toys, and the human Google for “Where is my lunchbox?” That constant mental juggling act is exhausting.
And here’s the kicker: when you’re the default parent, rest doesn’t always feel like rest. Even if you do get a moment to yourself, your brain is still running the checklist in the background, wondering how things are going at home when you’re not there, and probably feeling guilty for stepping away.
Naming it matters
So why talk about it? Because naming this role gives you clarity — and maybe even the courage to ask for more balance. You don’t have to do it all, even if you’ve been carrying it all for a long time.
Sometimes the first step is saying it out loud: “I’m the default parent, and it’s wearing me down.” That honesty opens the door to conversations about sharing the load in a way that feels more fair.
Giving yourself grace
If you’re the default parent, I see you. You’re doing an incredible amount of work — often without recognition — and you deserve credit for it. You also deserve rest, support, and the chance to not be the one holding everything together all the time.
So ask for help. Take the nap. Go on the Target run. Let the socks go unmatched (spoiler alert: the world keeps spinning).
Final thoughts
Being the default parent is hard — really hard. But you don’t have to stay stuck in survival mode. Even small shifts can make a difference. And in the meantime, remind yourself: you’re doing enough. More than enough.
💡 At Morrow Therapeutics, I support parents navigating the challenges of being the “default parent.” If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stretched thin, or underappreciated, you aren’t in it alone. Together, we can build balance, coping strategies, and confidence in your parenting role.