How to Actually Apologize: Because Some of Us Were Never Taught
Apologizing is one of the most powerful tools for repairing relationships — but it’s also one of the hardest. Many of us were never taught how to say “I’m sorry” in a way that feels genuine and healing. Instead, we might have learned to avoid blame, offer a quick “sorry” to move on, or skip apologizing altogether. But a meaningful apology can rebuild trust, ease tension, and show the people we care about that their feelings matter.
Why apologies matter
When someone is hurt by our words or actions, a sincere apology acknowledges their pain. It bridges the gap between intention and impact, saying: “I see how my actions affected you, and I care enough to make it right.”
What makes a good apology?
A real apology isn’t about excuses or minimizing what happened. It’s about responsibility, empathy, and repair. Let’s explore some key elements of a good apology, and compare two examples at the end.
Acknowledge what happened.
Be specific: “I interrupted you during the meeting.” Instead of “Sorry I upset you.”Take responsibility.
Own your role without shifting blame: “That was my mistake,” not “but you were talking for ten minutes straight…”Express understanding of the impact.
Show that you see their perspective: “I realize now that made you feel dismissed.” vs “No one was paying attention anymore, anyway.”Say the words.
“I’m sorry” or “I apologize” should be said directly, not implied. (And be genuine when you say them!)Offer repair when possible.
Ask: “How can I make this right?” or suggest next steps.Commit to change.
Apologies lose meaning if behavior never shifts. Show your growth by acting differently next time.
Now, let’s compare our two examples.
Apology A: “I interrupted you during the meeting. That was my mistake, I realize now that made you feel dismissed. I’m sorry. How can I make this right?”
Apology B: “Sorry I upset you, but you were talking for ten minutes straight. No one was paying attention anymore, anyway.”
A good apology speaks for itself. Which one would you want to receive?
What to avoid
These can make the other person feel dismissed rather than understood.
The “if” apology: “I’m sorry if you were hurt.” No need to add the “if” — you did upset them, that’s why you’re having this conversation! Remember, you don’t have to agree with someone’s feelings to acknowledge them.
The “but” apology: “I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean it like that.” Think of the word “but” in an apology equation as a big minus sign. It takes away from the words right before it.
The vague apology: “Sorry about that.” About what? Be specific when acknowledging how your words or behavior impacted someone else.
The healing power of apologies
A heartfelt apology doesn’t erase what happened, but it opens the door to healing. It shows respect, humility, and care for the relationship. And just like any skill, it gets easier with practice.
Final thoughts
Apologizing well is a skill that takes courage to care enough to master. It takes strength to admit when we’re wrong, to face uncomfortable truths, and to prioritize connection over ego. If you weren’t taught how to apologize, you can start learning now. A good apology has the power to mend wounds and deepen trust in every relationship you have.
💡 At Morrow Therapeutics, I support people in learning how to take responsibility and repair relationships with sincere apologies. If you want to improve how you communicate remorse, reach out — you don’t have to navigate this alone.